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...Taking on Meladori Magpie - "Catfish"
Dr. Catfish's Clinic by "Catfish"
1996-07-17


Dr. Catfish: Genevieve, I'm taking the rest of the day off. Please don't
page me, I'm going fishing.

Nurse: But doctor, what if we have an emergency?

Dr. Catfish: Just refer all patients to either Dr. Prozac, Dr. Valium, or
Dr. Pepper. Anybody but Dr. Ruth, I hate that little nitwit.

<He walks to his car, and as he inserts the key in the door he hears
footsteps. He turns and sees a girl coming towards him>.

Dr. Catfish: um...I gave at the office.

Vanessa: Hi doctor, I'm Vanessa from listessa.

Dr. Catfish:  Well, Vanessa from listessa, my workday is over. If you want
help with a SP song...come back tomorrow, and I'll see what I can do for you.

Vanessa: This can't wait. I need help right now!

Dr. Catfish: hmmmmm...do you like fishing? If you want help, you'll have to
tag along.

Vanessa <as she gets in the car>: I usually don't accept rides from
strangers, but I feel like I know you from your posts on listessa. 

Dr. Catfish: Yeah, but who's gonna protect me from you?  who are you? what
do you want from me?  

Vanessa: What a shitty car, where did you buy this piece of shit car?

Dr. Catfish: I bought it from Adam Sandler. Now, what can I do for you? 

<he pulls out of the parking lot and heads for the freeway>

Vanessa: Well, when I listen to Meladori Magpie, I get an intense negative
reaction to the images it conjures up in my mind. It's so hokey! I picture
the band in overalls with stalks of wheat in their teeth. It makes me feel
like I'm a hick girl named Bonnie Lee Ray, getting her first lay from her
cousin Billy Joe Ray and Meladori Magpie's playing in the background, ...and
we're in a smelly barn next to old Betsy in the hay. 

Dr. Catfish: You're in sad sad shape city girl! Meladori is just a love song
for chrissakes! Just because the drum beat is simple, and the guitar strings
are picked not strummed, and the song is permeated with multilayers of slide
guitars, it doesn't mean it's a hick song! Did you listen to the words? I
thought you said you speak Corgan! Your frame of reference is really screwed
up and needs a major adjustment. What other bands do you like?

<he exits the freeway, and heads up the hills to the open country> 

Vanessa: I like a lot of different kinds of music, harsh, soft, industrial
bands like Front 242 and Die Warzau, goth bands like Bauhaus and the Shroud,
even bands like the Smiths and Catherine wheel, and I sample a lot of weird
shit. SP is my favorite, but I keep an open mind. I'm not crazy, I just have
a problem with one song, and I need you to alter my perception of it. 

 ....I need you to get me out of the barn, and into some other more
appealing circumstance and less revolting surroundings so I can enjoy the
song like everybody else! 

Dr. Catfish: hmmmmm, ok...we're there. <stops the car>  Listen, you gotta
trust me, I've made a slight change in plans, but it's all meant to help
cure you. Ah...here's cousin Billy Joe. You'll love this guy!

Vanessa: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! This is a farm! The smell
of cow chips is cutting through the smell of the corinthian leather! Where
the hell are we?

Dr. Catfish:  Vanessa....meet cousin Billy Joe and his sister Molly. Billy
Joe used to be in a goth band called Bau-farm-haus, but threw it all away to
live here in peace and tend to his homegrown crop of hemp. I'm putting him
and Molly in charge of your case. 

Vanessa: Fuck this! Take me the hell outta here! <she steps in a steaming
freshly dropped cow chip, turns green...and hurls her lunch onto the hood of
the car>.

Dr. Catfish: Fuck! I better get outta here before I have to shovel my way to
the car door.

Vanessa <her voice fading as the doctor's car speeds away>: MOTHERFUCKER!
GET BACK HERE! I'm gonna kill you you quackkkk....

 ...at the break of dawn, after a long therapeutic night of solitary
fishing, Dr. Catfish pulls over to cousin Billy Joe's farm. Vanessa walks
over, her head leaning against Billy Joe's shoulder, arm around his waist,
smile on her face, stalk of wheat in her teeth.

Dr. Catfish: Wooaah!! What have we here? 

Vanessa:  Oh...Dr. Catfish, you won't believe what a night last night was!
At Billy Joe's doorstep...I saw that I was blind! I'd forsaken what was
mine! What had mattered...matters little now!

Dr. Catfish: These words are right out of Meladori! Do you care to explain?

Vanessa <takes Dr. Catfish by the arm>: Hey Billy Joe, I'm gonna walk Dr.
Catfish over to the barn and show him what I'm talking about.  

 .....you know doc, I'll always be in your debt. Last night was one of the
most meaningful nights of my life. After you left, I kept on puking until I
thought I was gonna die. Then Molly runs over crying and says that Betsy the
cow was dying while giving birth. Billy Joe begged me to come help! 

 ....Just imagine it, me...a city girl standing there puking her brains
out...was asked to help deliver a cow! I was desperately needed, so I sucked
it up and somehow managed to make myself useful. I fetched hot water and dry
rags, and then I crouched down and gently but firmly stroked Betsy on the
belly as the two of them fought to save her and her calf. 

  ....The whole scene was unreal! At one point, Betsy lifted her head and
looked at me, and the look in her eyes seemed to say "thank you" to me...and
I just lost it! I started crying like I never cried before. Call me crazy,
but I felt some kind of sisterhood with her. I got a taste of motherhood
through her pain, and for one brief moment I wished I could absorb some of
the pain that she was suffering. 

 ....Anyway, one hour after the crisis started, Billy Joe managed to pull
the calf out, and nursed Betsy back to a stable condition. Him and I hugged
and I cried for a long long time. Then he took his guitar and sang a real
sweet lullabye to the calf as I fed it from a milk bottle. Betsy was in no
condition to breast feed. 

 ....ah...here's the calf! Isn't she sweet? I named her Nessa! I helped
bring her into this world, so I gave her a part of my name. Billy Joe said,
that by naming her Nessa...I was true to my name! hee hee

Dr. Catfish: This is the craziest story I have ever heard!

Vanessa: Wait, there's more! When everything was under control, Billy Joe
and I walked over to the meadow and that's when I lost it again!  The meadow
was right out of that picture in the MCIS art book...only at night time!
The living hills, the scattered yellow glowing clouds, and that
fan-fuckin-tastic moon blew me away!  It was out of this world...like we
were on acid or something but we were not. It was just a pure magical
moment,...and that's when we made love in a bed of daisies.

Dr. Catfish: Damn, I told that boy to keep his hands off of you...

Vanessa: Chill out doc. I wanted it this way. Let me finish my story.

 ....After those magical couple of hours, I felt it was time for me to get
up and take the long walk home. For the first time I go alone. But then I
felt like Billy Joe and I had known each other for ever but had shattered
apart somehow. I stroked his hair as he slept and that's when I
decided...I'm not leaving! I'm staying here. I've hated farms ever since an
ill fated visit to my great-great-grandmother's farm. But I belong here now!
I'm not parting with this for anything!

Dr. Catfish: Wow! What happens now?

Vanessa: Well, now Billy Joe shows me how to milk the cows! Can you fucking
believe this?  Me, milking a cow? 

Dr. Catfish: Just remember...you have to pull down as you squeeze. If you
just squeeze you won't get more than a drop or two. Squeeze and pull down,
squeeze and pull down...and do it rhythmically. You'll get the hang of it.
Have fun city girl. Los Angeles will finally know some peace and quiet now
that you're here:)

Vanessa: I know, but not for long <g>. I'm still who I was before, but with
a few adjustments to my attitude. I'm still gonna catch all the shows by my
favorite bands and indulge in all the pleasures the city has to offer. Hey,
L.A. is only a 50 minute drive away! But...I have something good going here.
I'm not giving that up either. Thanks for all your help doc.

Dr. Catfish: You're welcome. Just remember me when you harvest the crop,
won't you?


Dr. Catfish

"I'll remain true to the name of lovers past"

Thanks Vanessa for co-writing this one:)
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